The story of a fighter #2

The next day my husband and I went to meet the oncologist without my parents. It was a Saturday, my parents were scheduled to fly back home the next day. The result of FNAC was coming on Monday as the pathologist was off duty because of the weekend and the wait was killing all of us. The oncologist calmly answered all our queries and assured us that treatment for breast cancer has advanced significantly in the last decade. She suggested for a mammogram also. As for me, I kept searching her face for a hint of relief, kept waiting for her to say that we do not have to go through this ordeal…but she never did. She kept telling us to cancel my parents’ tickets as she doubted that they will come back for treatment if they ever leave Bangalore. She said she will contact me as soon as she gets the result of the FNAC test.

As I sat outside the hospital I broke down….cried my eyes out. I didn’t care if anyone was watching or not. There were passers-by giving me weird glances but nothing mattered at that time. I just wanted to drown myself in the pain. There I was sitting with my world crashing down and everything else in the world is the same. Everything was just fine till yesterday and now everything has changed. Everytime I tried to make myself strong and took deep breaths to keep myself together I lost it all the more. Finally my husband coaxed me that we will ride some more, get some air before we go home and kept telling me not to break down before my parents. We drove around the city for sometime. Finally we decided to go home. I was surprised at myself as to how casually I responded to my parents. They inquired and I just told them that there is nothing to worry and that we might need a surgery or not, as soon as the result came out. My mother seemed convinced but my Dad wasn’t…later he came to both of us and asked for the truth. My husband and I looked at each other, made my father sit and told him the truth – that there is a high chance that the tumour is malignant, and surgery is to be done immediately, followed by biopsy and depending on biopsy result the chemotherapy and radiation will be decided. He said to himself “She will be fine. All this will not happen”.

For us, the most taxing question was to let them go back home or not…we discussed with my parents, siblings and uncles and decided that they go back home and return to Bangalore on Wednesday. My parents had come to Bangalore on a vacation and were not mentally prepared to face the surprising turn of events; it was best for them especially for my Mom to go home and come again for the sole purpose of treatment. Atleast they will get some time to sink in everything. It was important for her to accept this before we start this grueling task…and so they went home with a heavy heart…full of doubts and fear not knowing that the worst was yet to come.

There was this eerie silence in the house after they left, this fear that is lurching at all of us and I was finding very hard to calm down and find peace. Everytime I try to sleep I would run short of breath and would feel as if suddenly I am running out of air; everytime I tried to eat something I could not even take a single bite…everything was surreal and I didn’t know how to handle it. Some of our friends came to visit us and comfort us; only after they came I could fall asleep in our couch listening to their voices; atleast the eerie silence was gone.

I went for work on Monday; getting startled every time my phone beeped. It was around lunch time when our doctor messaged that she got the verbal report from the pathologist and it is malignant. I read the message and suddenly felt light and almost fell down. I searched for a chair and sat down. I went to the bathroom and cried; how do I muster up the courage to tell everyone? Finally I called my husband and told him; he was also devastated. I then called my brother and told him too; he felt silent and choked as he spoke. He asked “So what should we do, Che”? I told him I will do the tickets right away; told him to decide who is coming with Mom and also strictly told him not to tell too much to her. He said OK.

My brother and Mom were coming; Dad had to stay back as someone had to look after the house. My brother wanted to be a part of the ordeal that was coming and be with Mom. Both of them reached on Wednesday. The next day she was asked to take full rest and the day after we went to meet our oncologist. By then, the FNAC result had come and it was found to be malignant. Mama did a PET CT scan to check if the tumour had spread to other parts of the body; luckily the report came to be good. Her surgery date was decided on February 21, 2017.

My Mama is a deeply spiritual person and her spirituality manifested in the best possible way during the course of her treatment. The day of surgery, she got up really early, prayed, visited the nearby temple, meditated and finally told us “I am ready!” My husband, my brother and me went to hospital, got her admitted, did all the proceedings and we were given one shared room, the next day was her surgery. The day of surgery all of us went to meet her…she was cheerful and told us that she slept well the previous night. The nurse came and announced that she has to be taken to the Operation theatre, she changed her clothes and sat down to pray. Then she held each one of our hand and prayed for all of us, I was all broken inside. The nurses turned away and let us have that moment. She said she is scared that she is going to be unconscious; that she had read stories of patients not coming back to sense after anaesthesia…we assured her she will be fine. We followed her as long as we could until the nurses told that we cant be let in. Then we stood there and waited…hoping, praying and trying not to lose my sanity.

(to be continued)

The story of a fighter #1

Its been a while since I have thought of sharing this story. The story of my Mom. This story needs to be told coz this is pure inspiration. The story of a battle between this amazingly strong woman and cancer. I will be uploading the stories in parts so bear with me.

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There are few people in my life who have inspired me to get going against all odds and it is indeed a blessing to realise that one of such person is my mother – a woman who is beautiful inside out. Her indomitable spirit, her gracefulness and her unconditional love….everything about her mesmerizes me. I have always admired her but never have I realized her strength until recently...ironically on my first wedding anniversary, the day my world came crashing down.

Mom and Dad had come to visit my husband and me at Bangalore and just 3 days before they were to leave for home we scheduled a master health check up for both of them at Apollo hospitals. Dad is 60 years old and diabetic, Mom is hypertensive and has osteoporosis. My husband accompanied my Dad door to door and I was with my Mom doing all the tests mentioned in the checklist. For Dad, all reports came normal. My Mom’s report is an altogether different story.

In the ultrasound of her left breast, the doctor identified a lump so we were redirected to an oncologist on call. She examined her breast and asked the nurses to get some needles. I was searching her face for a hint of clue as to what was happening. She mentioned about carcinoma and malignancy and other such words…words which sent chills down my spine. My mother on the other hand was really cool and was very sure and kept telling me that the doctor was wasting her time. Later, I was told to stay outside as they have to collect some sample from the lump. I waited there with my husband and Dad, little knowing what was going on, just hoping that everything will be all right. Finally when the nurse called me I went inside and the doctor explained to me about a certain FNAC test – supposedly a needle test in which they take out tissue from the lump and examine it pathologically for signs of malignancy. As she was explaining me, my mind wanders away and I kept telling myself that I have to focus and not lose my ground. The doctor took her medical history…mom was smiling and telling about my brothers and sisters and how she could not breastfeed us properly coz she had to go to work. She is sure that the lump is because of breast milk that became a mass. 

The doctor told me to come again the next day so that she can explain the treatment and magement if the results of the FNAC test turns to be malignant. She told not to bring my mother. She also told to cancel their return ticket and told that if it is malignant it has to be surgically removed immediately. It took me a while to understand the reality of the situation. Somehow I kept hoping that the result of the FNAC test will be normal. I just hoped but deep down I knew from the severity of the way the doctor conveyed…that something was wrong. 

(To be continued)

Bitterness speaks!

Today I read this amazing line. “Some days you meet someone and you immediately know you wanna spend the rest of your life WITHOUT them”. I know this feeling. I have always tried to surround myself with positive people, kind hearted, forgiving souls, people who will go out of the way to help others. I am no saint for sure – my friends and I take pleasure in stupid gossips, narcissistic indulges to feel good about ourselves; we all have been hurt and hurt others; we have drank away our griefs at times and uplifted each other in weird ways. I can never imagine them plotting away to malign someone’s character or humiliate them publicly. It is strange for me. And I am sure it is for those who share the same thought process as me. Recently I had this humiliating encounter of being roasted in between; raising voices around me to the point of embarrassment and there I was standing solely, lost, not knowing what to do. I just wanted it to end. Whoever was wrong or whoever was right, it is not important anymore. I wish I was at a position to stop it and I just felt like they took advantage of my naïve nature. It just didn’t feel right. Age old grudge they nurture in their hearts and one fine day, the storm arrives and tore apart all relations and the peripheries too. Its no more cordial anymore. Earlier atleast you could fake a smile or fake a “Hello” but now the strand has been butchered by sheer volume of words and tone. Aaaahhhhh!! Women!! I admire strong, intelligent women with a kind heart. But women who try to intimidate others with sheer noise and crap that comes out of their mouth I hate. For a change, why not keep our minds confined to serve the purpose for which we are paid to do, finish the fucking job and go back to wherever hole we came out of. Why interfere in personal spaces, why talk behind back, why raise voice to prove superiority, why not keep the damn politics away!! Sometimes its just so hard to ignore or just walk away!

I have a loving family to go back home to, and no matter how my day went, I have someone who can straighten all the creases of the day with just a simple word. I do not wish to carry my baggage of such days back home. And I had to let go of this restlessness so here I am writing it out. I wish they do the same. I wish them well and really hope that someone out there loves them and straighten all the twists they had. Kindness pays, my dear! For once, shed the bitterness and spare a moment to be kind. The consequences will surprise you! AMEN

Facade

My first lines at Notegraphy! I love the styles...makes my words look exotic and thoughtful (hahaha)

Munnar - A Trip to Remember

After weeks of planning and researching on every possible way to visit Munnar, Kerala, our group decided to hire a Scorpio from self-drive car rental service Zoomcar and decided to go on a road trip; the vehicle to be driven by 2 of our friends who proudly flaunt their driving skills. And as it turns out, the boys were filled with admiration of the vehicle throughout the trip and one of them have even decided that Scorpio will be his next purchase (lol)

We started at around 4 am from Bangalore and took regular breaks in between to feed our lenses, stretch our legs, drink coconut water and sometimes just to soak in the pleasure of meeting each other after months. We went via Bangalore- Hosur-Krishnagiri-Salem highway stopping at Salem for breakfast, marveling at the vast stretch of windmills along the way whom one of my friend called out excitedly as “Hey, look at those big fans!!” and thus the uproar of laughter and legpulling continued. My husband who happens to graduate from Government College of Engineering, Salem showed us his campus as we drive and went on a nostalgia trip and it was equally reminiscing for me in ways I don’t know as this was the place that made him the man today…the man I love and admire the way he is and I know his growing up years in this place so far away from home sure had a profound impact on him. Brushing away these thoughts and listening to his stories of his college days we talked and laughed our way to Munnar with the best guide ever – Google Map!! All thanks to Google map we could find our way and even the quality of road we will be travelling.

Somewhere along the Highway

After numerous toll gates we reached Chinnar Wildlife Sanctuary wherein the roads are filled with posters warning travelers that wild animals may cross path and each of us were on alert mode hoping and wishing that we meet animals. One of us even claimed to have heard an elephant trumpet which I highly doubt as there were no animals at sight. We did saw some monkeys though. Thank Goodness. And as the stretch of wildlife sanctuary ended with a disappointment, the twists and turns of road began with tea plantations and we could feel the temperature dropping as the altitude soared gradually. It was a heavenly sight. Hills covered with tea estates, waterfalls in distant mountains, clean roads, gulmohars welcoming us with bright red flowers and the wind was breezy and cold. I insisted on stopping the vehicle and got down and breath it all in…the landscape, the lush green hills, the road and did a few steps of tango dance too…it was perfection!!

We reached Munnar around 5.30 pm and found the perfect stay at home “Je’s Home Stay” at Devikulam which is located about 10 kms away from Munnar. It was almost dusk so we shoved our luggage and went in search of nearby tea stalls and experience the famous tea of Munnar which to our delight was more than what we expected. We packed dinner from a nearby restaurant and relished at our home stay as we talked and planned for all the adventures we will be unraveling in the next couple of days.

Dancing in the middle of the road

We began the next day by exploring Devikulam, searching for the perfect place to have breakfast in that perfect morning, enjoyed the strong coffee, idlis and paranthas, took a few clicks and got ready to begin the day. We enjoyed the romantic weather with the twists and turns of the road and stopped by at scenic locations, taking pictures, enjoying the green mangoes, coconut water, roasted corn and running eerily in tea gardens striking poses of all sorts. We stood wonderstruck at Mattupetty Dam admiring its majestic beauty and wondering at the huge water body in the middle of the hills, climbed our way to Top Station View point, meandering downward again to reach the spot and stood awestruck at the view of the royal mountains and the lush green scenery that lay beyond us. We then climbed our way up heart-throbbing, feeling our loud heartbeats and legs shaking out of sheer tiredness and felt awesome and energized. Somewhere as we drove along we could smell delicious biryani and had to turn around in search of it. We then return to our home stay as we take rest for a while and prepare for the night’s bonfire with music arranged by our host. We danced our hearts out, laughing at each other’s silly steps and teaching each other, imitating some of the worst dance moves one can ever imagine, sweating it all out…it was a night to remember as we gathered around the last few flames of the dying fire under that star lit sky, the wind playing with us as we talked about life, relationships, love, friendship with frequent laughter in between with the most important people in our lives. Life is good.

The next day we drove back to Bangalore our hearts heavy and in denial of the things that await us at Bangalore. We spent the last 3 days in paradise in the most perfect way possible with people who have become family. Each of us assured in our hearts that we will visit Munnar again and bade adieu to the beautiful hills and the tea gardens.

As for me, I had the best time ever in that romantic weather in the arms of the one I loved, the spiraling road amidst tea estates and a good playlist, surrounded by wonderful friends. What else do I want!! Life is beautiful!!

Sharing some pictures with you guys!! Its tough selecting just a few...I love them all #NoFilter

Waterfall along the way

Click me, click me :D

Climbing our way up - my heart was in my throat

I love bonfires 

Remains after the bonfire

How can you not love this???

Foodie's paradise too!!

Transcending Love!

So there is these bunch of young people who had worked really hard to make a video for me as a surprise wedding gift. I know its immense work and can imagine the research they must have done in facebook, the brainstorming, searching old pictures...trying to tell a story which by the way came out just perfect. Distance doesn't matter when there is love and yes, my soul sister who stayed at Delhi was a part of my wedding through whatsapp video call. Isn't this just amazing!! Words fail me to thank these precious ones who went out of the way to make me feel so special.

You know you are blessed when you have loyal friends who always have your back no matter how hard you fall. I am blessed in countless ways and I am most humbled by all these sweet and heartfelt gestures by people who mean the world to me. Perhaps I have been a good person that I met these wonderful souls in my life!

 I love you all with all my heart. Thank you.....thank you...thank you...for making my life beautiful...for the love...for making me feel special...for everything. What am I without you all! 

Enjoy the video!! XOXO

P.S This happens to be the first video in my blog!! Yippee :D

In case the above video doesn't work, here is the facebook link of the video :)

Click here

Random Thoughts of a Bride

Just how much is too much is one question which we fail to answer when it comes to living upto the standards which has been set by our society. I have become sabbatical when it comes to my career and have taken a 3 months career break coz I have to plan my wedding and be with my parents with whom I have never spent enough time since I decided to leave home for my studies which was more than a decade ago. And yes, I am genuinely amazed at how well I am doing. My fiancé gets mad at me for wasting this precious time worrying about the future and insists on enjoying the little time left at this place which I have called home since my existence. Seriously I am working on it and trying to avoid panic attacks thinking of this career break and making best use of the few weeks before marriage.

So here it is….I am getting married next month to this wonderful soul who taught me more to respect and receive coz he is the most generous person I ever know. As the countdown to the D day begins there are elephants running in my stomach (oh screw the butterflies), will I be able to handle the responsibilities? I am pampered by my Daddy who uses the most beautiful  and flowery words to correct me if I am wrong so that I don’t feel offended unlike my Mom who barge on me for every slightest mistake I make coz she is damn sure that I will screw up at my in-law’s place. The prep has started, my brothers have started painting the gate and walls of our house…which is like mandatory ritual for a Meetei wedding. My relatives keep pouring into our house, my siblings and friends settled thousands of miles away have all flown in to celebrate my wedding, tea and biscuits are constantly served, everyone is excited, scared, nervous, sad, happy and feeling hell lot of emotions right now.

As for me, I am still lost and clueless as to how I am gonna deal or react. Should I be happy that I am getting married to this man who have sworn to love and protect me and with whom I wanna spend the rest of my life with? Should I be worried about my parents who are getting old with their increasing health issues? Should I be sad on the realization that this place I have called home will no longer be what it was? Its tough really. And I feel like I am breaking from inside. Does every bride feel this way?

For a society like us, life before marriage and after marriage are completely different. As an unmarried girl, I have the freedom coz I live with people with whom I have known throughout my life. I get mad and shout at them and cry when I feel hurt and laugh my heart out when we share jokes, I get up early and go for walks and sometimes can even dare to sleep in pretending to be sick in lazy days. I have got out late evenings with my Daddy sometimes even after dark and enjoyed my days doing nothing lazing away. But now somehow I cannot imagine doing all that again. I have responsibilities now to take care of my new family and respect them. It gonna be different and I wish I am not scared as much as I am right now that I am gonna ruin things.

What I truly feel is that amidst all the shopping, picking up dresses, ordering furniture and basic utilities and spending heaps of money after bargaining like crazy with experienced vendors….its a blessing that I am gonna spend the rest of my life with my favourite person who is just perfect. Both of us have waited long enough and have had our shares of heartbreaks before finding each other and now that we have found each other I realized why it never worked out with anyone else.

Marriage is a union of two souls and two families and with the grace of God I wish to embark upon this journey and bring out the best of each other. For now let me think of all the joys I will be unraveling and rejoice on the love I am showered with from my new family and just enjoy all the attention as long as it lasts (wink)

Cheers to a lifetime of love and happiness.