Crossroads once again

Well, today had been a rough day so I intend to write some not-so-nice things here in my space. People keep seeking advice on which institute to choose for PhD which made me realise why in the first place I joined PhD. Honestly, I had no idea what I was doing. I had a scholarship in hand – UGC JRF – I was proud and thought Chalo, at atleast I have a place where I can keep my feet. I was clueless what I would do after my Masters and sure, I was passionate about teaching and plus, I thought PhD will be less boring if my besties were with me….and sure it was. So, thus, I joined PhD.

You might think why all the fuss among these PhDians…the weirdness, the frustrating posts shared in social networking sites, the annoying remarks, the never ending complaints etc. But hear me out friends, its very frustrating indeed. Somewhere in the late twenties a confused mind enrolls in PhD. Lucky if he is an in-service candidate and lucky if she is married. But for someone like me who is neither of the two and who volunteered to be in these quicksand for atleast 3 years…life becomes slowly messy. Suddenly, I began living my life at the mercy of someone else. On lucky days, I might be praised for my work and on bad days I had to wait and wait and wait…there is always a meeting, some random staff from office will come along and I will have to disappear in the background or I will have to listen to the endless tales of family drama. There were times when I wanted to vanish into thin air or shout my heart out and say “Excuse me, I am still here”. But reality check, I have nothing more that I can do rather than nod my head foolishly and come back to my room only to lock myself up and put on music to the max and clear my mind.

Ah, interestingly, the pretigious UGC declares thousands of students every year to be qualified for JRF which means you get a scholarship of 16K for 1^st and 2^nd year and 18K for 3^rd year. I tell you, every kid who clears the exam shouts with joy, feels proud and keeps everyone updated in facebook. Soon, they realise that the scholarship is on a yearly basis and nobody gives a heck if you are getting it on time or not or hell, if you are even getting…Ok, fine if you give us on a yearly basis than so be it but we have to shed tears and sweat to get it. Every year my friends and I have to go to UGC office at Bahadur Shah zafar Marg (No auto wala knows the place) at Delhi and talk with that annoying and heartless lady and present our case only to chase us away. Then we come back to our University and request our college to kindly sanction our money. And believe me, there is always a problem…if not from our college, it is the Dean PGS or Comptroller office or UGC. It’s a shame how our system works. Especially how they never understand the plight of students. We stay so far away from home and trust me, I never want a dime of their sympathy but I want what is rightfully mine. For moving a file from one table to another in the same room, it takes atleast 3-4 day. What can you expect from an office with starts at 9.30, ends at 5pm with 2 tea-breaks of atleast 30 minutes and an hour lunch break and Gosh, how can they miss the regular dose of gossip and knowing who’s who of the office? Thus, our scholarship is stuck and I have a feeling that it will be stuck for more than a month or so…..the money is in the account of the University and the interest only is enough to financially assist two/three students. And here, we are running around every office asking the progress of paper work which seems to be moving at a snail’s pace. Arrrghhhh!!

And again, there are regular calls from not-so close people (I don’t even wanna say friends) announcing how lucky they are to have a boyfriend who is a doctor/assistant professor/whatever, how rich he is, on how much they are lucky with an anecdote in the end saying don’t worry dear you will also find someone. I just wanna slam my phone and shout shut up, enjoy your perfect sad little diplomatic life and just don’t make me feel bad about myself. But of course, I have to hear the end of it and make an excuse to hang up and for the next few hours nothings gonna make me feel better.

I know my life isnt perfect like many of them and on days like today I have to work harder to feel better but the truth is at the end of the day, I realise how different I am and somehow I feel good that I became the person I am…passionate, impatient, short-tempered, sentimental, someone who follows the heart blah blah….. I am lucky I have parents who always back me up when I feel down and who I can turn to whenever I want. I have people around me willing to walk extra miles for me, remind me what a wonderful person I am although I know at times they are just flattering.  I have to be strong that’s all it matters now coz when you hit rock bottom there’s nothing else you can go except upwards and I know that’s where I am headed!!