The story of a fighter #2

The next day my husband and I went to meet the oncologist without my parents. It was a Saturday, my parents were scheduled to fly back home the next day. The result of FNAC was coming on Monday as the pathologist was off duty because of the weekend and the wait was killing all of us. The oncologist calmly answered all our queries and assured us that treatment for breast cancer has advanced significantly in the last decade. She suggested for a mammogram also. As for me, I kept searching her face for a hint of relief, kept waiting for her to say that we do not have to go through this ordeal…but she never did. She kept telling us to cancel my parents’ tickets as she doubted that they will come back for treatment if they ever leave Bangalore. She said she will contact me as soon as she gets the result of the FNAC test.

As I sat outside the hospital I broke down….cried my eyes out. I didn’t care if anyone was watching or not. There were passers-by giving me weird glances but nothing mattered at that time. I just wanted to drown myself in the pain. There I was sitting with my world crashing down and everything else in the world is the same. Everything was just fine till yesterday and now everything has changed. Everytime I tried to make myself strong and took deep breaths to keep myself together I lost it all the more. Finally my husband coaxed me that we will ride some more, get some air before we go home and kept telling me not to break down before my parents. We drove around the city for sometime. Finally we decided to go home. I was surprised at myself as to how casually I responded to my parents. They inquired and I just told them that there is nothing to worry and that we might need a surgery or not, as soon as the result came out. My mother seemed convinced but my Dad wasn’t…later he came to both of us and asked for the truth. My husband and I looked at each other, made my father sit and told him the truth – that there is a high chance that the tumour is malignant, and surgery is to be done immediately, followed by biopsy and depending on biopsy result the chemotherapy and radiation will be decided. He said to himself “She will be fine. All this will not happen”.

For us, the most taxing question was to let them go back home or not…we discussed with my parents, siblings and uncles and decided that they go back home and return to Bangalore on Wednesday. My parents had come to Bangalore on a vacation and were not mentally prepared to face the surprising turn of events; it was best for them especially for my Mom to go home and come again for the sole purpose of treatment. Atleast they will get some time to sink in everything. It was important for her to accept this before we start this grueling task…and so they went home with a heavy heart…full of doubts and fear not knowing that the worst was yet to come.

There was this eerie silence in the house after they left, this fear that is lurching at all of us and I was finding very hard to calm down and find peace. Everytime I try to sleep I would run short of breath and would feel as if suddenly I am running out of air; everytime I tried to eat something I could not even take a single bite…everything was surreal and I didn’t know how to handle it. Some of our friends came to visit us and comfort us; only after they came I could fall asleep in our couch listening to their voices; atleast the eerie silence was gone.

I went for work on Monday; getting startled every time my phone beeped. It was around lunch time when our doctor messaged that she got the verbal report from the pathologist and it is malignant. I read the message and suddenly felt light and almost fell down. I searched for a chair and sat down. I went to the bathroom and cried; how do I muster up the courage to tell everyone? Finally I called my husband and told him; he was also devastated. I then called my brother and told him too; he felt silent and choked as he spoke. He asked “So what should we do, Che”? I told him I will do the tickets right away; told him to decide who is coming with Mom and also strictly told him not to tell too much to her. He said OK.

My brother and Mom were coming; Dad had to stay back as someone had to look after the house. My brother wanted to be a part of the ordeal that was coming and be with Mom. Both of them reached on Wednesday. The next day she was asked to take full rest and the day after we went to meet our oncologist. By then, the FNAC result had come and it was found to be malignant. Mama did a PET CT scan to check if the tumour had spread to other parts of the body; luckily the report came to be good. Her surgery date was decided on February 21, 2017.

My Mama is a deeply spiritual person and her spirituality manifested in the best possible way during the course of her treatment. The day of surgery, she got up really early, prayed, visited the nearby temple, meditated and finally told us “I am ready!” My husband, my brother and me went to hospital, got her admitted, did all the proceedings and we were given one shared room, the next day was her surgery. The day of surgery all of us went to meet her…she was cheerful and told us that she slept well the previous night. The nurse came and announced that she has to be taken to the Operation theatre, she changed her clothes and sat down to pray. Then she held each one of our hand and prayed for all of us, I was all broken inside. The nurses turned away and let us have that moment. She said she is scared that she is going to be unconscious; that she had read stories of patients not coming back to sense after anaesthesia…we assured her she will be fine. We followed her as long as we could until the nurses told that we cant be let in. Then we stood there and waited…hoping, praying and trying not to lose my sanity.

(to be continued)

The story of a fighter #1

Its been a while since I have thought of sharing this story. The story of my Mom. This story needs to be told coz this is pure inspiration. The story of a battle between this amazingly strong woman and cancer. I will be uploading the stories in parts so bear with me.

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There are few people in my life who have inspired me to get going against all odds and it is indeed a blessing to realise that one of such person is my mother – a woman who is beautiful inside out. Her indomitable spirit, her gracefulness and her unconditional love….everything about her mesmerizes me. I have always admired her but never have I realized her strength until recently...ironically on my first wedding anniversary, the day my world came crashing down.

Mom and Dad had come to visit my husband and me at Bangalore and just 3 days before they were to leave for home we scheduled a master health check up for both of them at Apollo hospitals. Dad is 60 years old and diabetic, Mom is hypertensive and has osteoporosis. My husband accompanied my Dad door to door and I was with my Mom doing all the tests mentioned in the checklist. For Dad, all reports came normal. My Mom’s report is an altogether different story.

In the ultrasound of her left breast, the doctor identified a lump so we were redirected to an oncologist on call. She examined her breast and asked the nurses to get some needles. I was searching her face for a hint of clue as to what was happening. She mentioned about carcinoma and malignancy and other such words…words which sent chills down my spine. My mother on the other hand was really cool and was very sure and kept telling me that the doctor was wasting her time. Later, I was told to stay outside as they have to collect some sample from the lump. I waited there with my husband and Dad, little knowing what was going on, just hoping that everything will be all right. Finally when the nurse called me I went inside and the doctor explained to me about a certain FNAC test – supposedly a needle test in which they take out tissue from the lump and examine it pathologically for signs of malignancy. As she was explaining me, my mind wanders away and I kept telling myself that I have to focus and not lose my ground. The doctor took her medical history…mom was smiling and telling about my brothers and sisters and how she could not breastfeed us properly coz she had to go to work. She is sure that the lump is because of breast milk that became a mass. 

The doctor told me to come again the next day so that she can explain the treatment and magement if the results of the FNAC test turns to be malignant. She told not to bring my mother. She also told to cancel their return ticket and told that if it is malignant it has to be surgically removed immediately. It took me a while to understand the reality of the situation. Somehow I kept hoping that the result of the FNAC test will be normal. I just hoped but deep down I knew from the severity of the way the doctor conveyed…that something was wrong. 

(To be continued)

Bitterness speaks!

Today I read this amazing line. “Some days you meet someone and you immediately know you wanna spend the rest of your life WITHOUT them”. I know this feeling. I have always tried to surround myself with positive people, kind hearted, forgiving souls, people who will go out of the way to help others. I am no saint for sure – my friends and I take pleasure in stupid gossips, narcissistic indulges to feel good about ourselves; we all have been hurt and hurt others; we have drank away our griefs at times and uplifted each other in weird ways. I can never imagine them plotting away to malign someone’s character or humiliate them publicly. It is strange for me. And I am sure it is for those who share the same thought process as me. Recently I had this humiliating encounter of being roasted in between; raising voices around me to the point of embarrassment and there I was standing solely, lost, not knowing what to do. I just wanted it to end. Whoever was wrong or whoever was right, it is not important anymore. I wish I was at a position to stop it and I just felt like they took advantage of my naïve nature. It just didn’t feel right. Age old grudge they nurture in their hearts and one fine day, the storm arrives and tore apart all relations and the peripheries too. Its no more cordial anymore. Earlier atleast you could fake a smile or fake a “Hello” but now the strand has been butchered by sheer volume of words and tone. Aaaahhhhh!! Women!! I admire strong, intelligent women with a kind heart. But women who try to intimidate others with sheer noise and crap that comes out of their mouth I hate. For a change, why not keep our minds confined to serve the purpose for which we are paid to do, finish the fucking job and go back to wherever hole we came out of. Why interfere in personal spaces, why talk behind back, why raise voice to prove superiority, why not keep the damn politics away!! Sometimes its just so hard to ignore or just walk away!

I have a loving family to go back home to, and no matter how my day went, I have someone who can straighten all the creases of the day with just a simple word. I do not wish to carry my baggage of such days back home. And I had to let go of this restlessness so here I am writing it out. I wish they do the same. I wish them well and really hope that someone out there loves them and straighten all the twists they had. Kindness pays, my dear! For once, shed the bitterness and spare a moment to be kind. The consequences will surprise you! AMEN

International Women’s Day

I have never really liked the idea of keeping a separate day for women. This is just another reminder that man and woman are not equal and that as long as women continue to feel special on such days there is so much left to be done. It amazes me as to why there is a need for women to seek equality with man. Are we in some kind of competition with man? I guess not. So why do women always feel the pressure to be equal to man...can’t we just pursue excellence? But having cited my opinion, I do realize that there is still a long long long way to go before we stop keeping aside a special day for women…coz for now…there is a need to ensure safety of women and to enjoy her basic rights as a human all across the globe.

I watched the BBC documentary India’s daughter – a must watch for every citizen of this country. I have shared in my facebook page and so did many users but the Govt. have been blocking URLs and sweeping the dirt of our society under the carpet. The Govt. is supposedly running out of ideas to impose ban…the ridiculous beef ban, censoring use of word “lesbian” in movie, banning the movie “50 shades of Grey”  (So those who didn’t intend to watch the movie earlier are downloading it from torrent and watching it! I have read the book anyway), now the documentary is banned. What is with the ostrich mindset of our authorities! Keep your head covered under sand and you think the problem is not there? This is the truth. The sooner we face it, the better. A few months ago, I watched the interview of an actress who talked about the plight of women in India…the dowry deaths, child marriages during her visit abroad and she was slammed by a reporter here in India who accused her of degrading the name of the nation. She proved her point and stated that it is happening…she only said the truth and said that she can’t be a hypocrite and pretend as if all these social evils do not exist. It is a shame that in an attempt to protect the image of the country, the society is degrading day by day. Child Sex Ratio declined from 945 in 1991 to 927 in 2001 to 918 in 2011 (Census Report).

The documentary only shows the obvious sorry state of affairs of the country. Should we feel sorry for the old parents of the rapist who committed suicide? Or should we be shocked at the statement of the wife of the rapist who still can’t believe that her husband will do such an act and even told that if her husband is hanged she has no choice but to kill her son as well as she has no means of survival. The problem is much deeper. In this deeply maligned patriarchal society of ours, woman is subjected to all forms of abuse – physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse. I am sure every woman in India has faced atleast one form of abuse. If not abused, there is always this fear...of not feeling safe.

Recently, an office colleague of mine in his early 50s offered to help me get a better position and asked what I would give him if I get selected. Out of courtesy, I replied whatever you want, Sir. He had worked in the North East for some years and I thought he would have wanted something ethnic from my native place. All this while, I have considered him a father figure and was being polite and it all went down the drain when he said “I want you.” Yes, he said “I want you” 3-4 times. So naïve I was that the first time he told me that, I still thought maybe he was referring to my personality…but when he repeated it I was too shocked to react. Later, it dawned on me...his intentions…and no matter how much my friends are supportive of me, I feel guilty. Have I ever given a wrong signal to him? How could he garner the courage to speak like that to me? Why me? Am I too shallow or cheap? Is it the way I dress or that I smile and greet my seniors? I know the fault is not in me. And no, I am not going to play the “North East” card…that coz I am from North East, he thought I am easy. NO. If not me, it would have been some other girl…and who knows how she would have handled. One thing is for sure, nothing is worth it…job, money….nothing is worth such humiliation. So while I deal with this pervert and seek to teach him a lesson soon enough I feel for the millions of woman who have been harassed at homes and at work…whose voices have been silenced. The whole episode keeps repeating in my mind and every time it angers me for I did not give an apt reply that would shut him up. I am lucky that I have close friends whom I can confide to who have gone through the same ordeal. It is a disgrace…how many women must be facing the same emotional turmoil with no one to talk to.  So where should the change begin? Educated fools like the pervert in my office and those shitty lawyers who defend the rapists are grim reminders of how failed the education system is.

Such a fake democracy we have! The statement by our political leaders that the mob lynching of alleged rapists at Dimapur will be dealt with appropriately, made me laugh. Why don’t these morons realize that the public has lost faith in the judicial system and therefore, has taken the law in their own hands.  I have never supported mob lynching but it is better to castrate the rapists and kill them in public rather than see them undergo trials and let imprudent lawyers blame the victim and the trial would go on forever. Social media is filled with comments supporting the mob lynching...such is the frustration of the masses….the plight of women.

I live in the Rape Capital of India. I live in fear. I try to reach home before dark and dress sensibly. And so do many women I know. We live in fear. We do not mind jostling in the ladies’ coach of the metro rather than enjoying some space in the other coaches where men travel. I do not say that all men are the same. Chivalry is not dead. But I cannot risk it. For, someday if I complain of being touched inappropriately, people will blame me for not travelling in the ladies’ coach. This is India and it’s better to be safe than sorry.

And I know that as long as I reach home early coz I feel unsafe to reach after dark and not out of my choice there is a need for International Women’s Day. 

Rest in peace, sister

Source: Google

When it is a crime against women, its shameful that we have so reasons to blame the woman. If its not her dress that provoked the culprit, it certainly is because she ventured out alone and didn’t take enough care to protect her womanhood. May be she became a victim to atrocities because she was too naïve to really recognize the demon wearing the mask of a saint, or may be that her innocence gave way to her chastity, all the more excuse for the moral police to condemn her. The death of Ningombam Satyabhama is one such tragic incident…such an inhumane and gruesome act. It shudders to think what we have become!

They say she was killed by a man, who took advantage of her innocence and she silently became a victim of extortion of all sorts and the price she paid was her life. And to all of you who questioned her chastity, shame on you!! We have no right to judge her when we ourselves have savoured sexuality no matter how discreet or trivial it was. There she lies, her lifeless body bearing witness to brutality and speaking volumes of the pain she endured minutes before her death….how she must have pleaded for her life realizing that every second she is closer to death!! And they disposed of her body as though it was a carcass, half exposed and mutilated that became an eyesore for onlookers, and yet there were children and other minors watching it with so much curiosity. Such a ghastly picture imprinted in the young minds which I am sure will haunt their innocent for many years to come.

Souce: Google

It is just sad that the people of Manipur have no choice then to call for bandhs and strikes and damage public transport when we are faced with such situations thus crippling the already paralyzed system. But then, we have so few choices coz the authority seems to hear the plea of commoners only when the streets are empty and shops are shut. If not the concerned authority, there’s a host of organizations to bring justice to the many whose voices are not heard and to them the people still have hope and faith. We have no choice but to believe in this already failing legal system that justice will be delivered to the deceased and her family. It is just a matter of time. Even if the convict have gone into hiding or fled from Manipur, sooner or later he will have to face the consequences. Or maybe, just may be this is just another case which will quickly disappear just like it stormed in, when people got busy with their own lives!! 

I seriously hope not.

Rest in peace sister.

Happy Wo(MAN)'s day!!

A few days ago, I had many of my friends especially my guy friends wishing me “Happy Women’s Day”…I had nothing else to say except politely thank them. I wish there’s also a Men’s day so that we can appreciate men for all the great works they’ve done for our species. Somehow I feel sorry that amidst all this hue and cry of women empowerment and rights of women and such serious feminist stuffs, somewhere along the way, we have generalized all men to be chauvinists. We have painted them all with the same colour which is really really unfair.

Last week when I was at Delhi, infamously called as the Rape capital, I was all geared up with a pepper spray in hand, flaunting it to the taxi driver as I was travelling alone. He must have read my mind or something coz he had that stupid looking smirk on his face and I ended up feeling stupid. After reaching my destination, he handed my luggage, smiled politely and asked “Madam, aur kuch?? I could not help but smile at his innocence. Am I really becoming so self-possessed and judgmental? Or it may be just that we are just too preoccupied with fending ourselves that we risk losing our courteous manners.

On a positive note, I must admit that life is so much easier being a woman. Quite often there’s always a chivalric gentlemen who offers his seat while I am hustling in a crowded bus, the queue is definitely quicker for women be it in banks, post office or any other public services, I can hold hands with my best friend whenever I want without disapproving stares, it just take a couple of hours to get a hundred likes when I upload a picture, and many times a flirty smile is all it takes to get a work done. And so often many of the guys tease me saying “Why do you need a PhD? There is some nice guy out there earning a PhD for you. You just have to find him”!! As easy as that!! In short, there’s so much to celebrate about being a woman.

As for me, no matter how much tall claims they make, I just cant understand the need to have a separate day to celebrate being a woman. We talk about equality on one hand and again we feel special when we have such separate days for us. We protest for equality and yet we have this unfair reservation policies which segregates us into different categories!! What an irony!! How about empowering our girls to be independent and teaching them how to give and earn respect? Let us teach our girls to say NO at the right time not at the expense of losing her modesty and grace. After all, women are in no competition against men. If equality is what we are striving for, then so be it…..we are only humans and let us stay humane. 

A North-east girl’s plea

If ever God gives me another chance to be born again, I would, without a doubt choose to be born amidst the lush green hills of North-east India as a typical girl with small brown eyes, may be pale skin, short stature and long straight black hair just the way I am. I am neither a patriot nor a feminist but I feel lucky to be associated with this neglected part of the country and more proud to be of the fairer sex.

I love being a woman!!

In a country like ours where woman is being worshipped as well as sacrificed and abused, every woman or every girl-next-door have a similar story to tell. Her daily struggles, fulfilling her responsibilities of a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend – the roles are many. I do not consider myself a woman as yet but rather a woman in the making. With just 25 years of experience of novice feminism, I have not much of a story to tell. It has been 8 years since I left home to pursue my studies and career. I, like many who chose the same path as mine, chose to sacrifice the comforts of home, adjusted ourselves with limited monthly allowances, adapted with either different foods or culture in a completely different environment with little or no friends. As I pursue my dream of being this woman who will boldly and gracefully  rub shoulders with my male counterparts whilst putting forth my own inputs, I have many times wondered what it would be like to be in an egalitarian society but then for now it is just a futile dream.

I bet every girl has had experiences of eve-teasing – sometimes hilarious, sometimes provoking and many times serious. But for us, they have an added advantage because we belong to North east and of course have different features which are alien to our friends in the rest of the country. In smaller cities, we are asked if we are from China or Nepal….No bro! we are from Manipur. Oh Manipur!! Which country? That is the moment when I felt like answering “So u guys from Pakistan?” When they pass us, they say “Jackie Chan”. Should we reply "Santa Banta" to them? And to realise that these are educated chunks passing such comments. I guess if we all start calling each other names like “Chow mein” and “Momos” etc then there will be a good number of “Parathas”, “Lassis”, “Idlis”, Sambhar” or “Dhoklas”. What will we be then - "a name-calling nation"? Is this the sign of a developing society? It’s heartbreaking to realise that such embarrassing comments are passed by the educated youth even in the campus. 

May be this is another reason for the never ending debate of women empowerment, gender mainstreaming, equality of sexes, blah, blah and blah because somewhere deep down, the male species can’t help ogling their female counterparts and thus the struggle continues.