Falling in and out of love

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

-         Alfred Lord Tennyson

My friends call me a hard core romantic. I have grown up falling in love with Mills & Boon, fantasizing the characters, assuring myself that someday someone will fall on his knees in front of me and say those four words which every girl hopes to hear one day. I always heave a deep sigh when I see couples heads over heels in love, holding hands, doing silly, crazy and cute things all in the name of love.

I’ve never really understood love. For a girl like me falling in love is not a Herculean task. All it takes is a glance, a smile, a nice gesture and that’s it and the next moment I’m all yours; as one of my ex-boyfriend described me as “easy to please”. I’ve never really understood it but I’ve always assumed it to be a compliment. May be it’s the reason I had many misadventures and I am still unable to distinguish between love, infatuation, crush, admiration, puppy love and all synonyms of love. To me in the beginning all appear the same; all have its share of craziness followed by expectations and disappointments and the cycle goes on.

I still remember the first guy I liked at school. It was an altogether one-sided affair and just coz he stood outside the class as a punishment for not doing homework, I gladly hid my homework just to give him company. That was in my 6^th grade. Also, I can’t describe the feeling I had when that new boy came in my class……class 8A. I still remember his soft hair and his deep brown eyes and his cute dimple. And if he said “Present Sir” during attendance, I’d follow suit and when he said “Yes Sir”, I’d say the same and giggle shyly. I had my first heartbreak when I realised that he liked another girl. She was the prettiest in my class and of course the dream of every boy in school. Perhaps that was the first time I learnt to “let go” not realising that it is meant to repeat years later in different circumstances. That was the time I realised that sometimes we need to give up things we really want because they were never meant to be ours.

Moving on with my love life, I had my first date during my high school. We used to steal quick glances without saying a word, used to come early just to spend more time looking at each other and shied away when our eyes met. Perhaps he could feel that I was on an affirmative note with him, or may be his friends persuaded him to ask me out; which of course I gladly agreed.  So we went to this first date of mine with a group of friends. I can’t remember much except that we faced each other in that café without much verbal contact sipping water, coffee, another coffee, and then water when coffee was over. I liked him inspite of the growing discomfort I felt – the way he tried to make me comfortable when he was also equally nervous. It was sweet. Even if love is so hard a word to define, I still claim him to be my first love – first love that drifted away with time, with distance and growing priorities; and since then falling in and out of love has been a regular affair.

I wonder how it’s even possible to say that love happens only once in a lifetime, it’s too sad. Or it may be that it is possible only in the movies. Sometimes I wish life is like the movies with a happy ever after, or atleast if we have a hint when it comes to making decisions.  I wish I am like the leading lady, no matter what mess she had got into; there is this cute guy who brings her flowers and lends her tissues every time Cupid failed her. 

Of course, with love comes all the heartbreak, pain, jealousy, rage, shame, guilt etc. Also, I saw love fade away with time and distance and realised that two perfect persons cannot be perfect for each other. For a girl who is on the verge of break-up, there is nothing more hateful than “You deserve someone better than him”, “Just let it go”, “May be you guys aren’t meant for each other” …..trust me it’s all crap. But then there’s an end to mark a new beginning. So the whole cycle of harmless flirting, falling in and out of love continues and just as you begin believing that time heals all wounds, you realise that time indeed wounds all heals.

Its just that no matter how much a person claims, everybody secretly loves the idea of being in love and it’s always a great feeling to know that somebody likes you – I guess this is the beauty of life or perhaps the only way the world functions. It doesn’t matter if the feeling lasted only for a few days, some months, years or lucky enough to last a lifetime. What really matters is that it was real atleast for a while. Its okay if we’ve messed up a few times, it’s okay if our feelings were never reciprocated, or even if he was stupid enough to walk out of our life. It is perfectly all right if your heart was broken a few times because we still have wonderful friends to hug us and lend us a shoulder to cry on or to get drunk, get high and make fun of us for the silly things said and done while in love and certainly to give that daily dose of moral booster which we so need when a relationship ends. Its okay if you’ve never understood love just the way I am because there are many more like us waiting for a second chance or a fresh new start and who still loves the idea of being in love and surely love will find a way, indifference will find an excuse.

After all it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Happy Valentine’s Week folks!! Cheers!! :)