Words put together

I don’t know for whom I write. I know there are millions who write better than me and many times my writings are not even worth reading. Its just that all this scribbling has become a way of my life and perhaps I have learnt to tame my heart, my fears and forgive myself through sheer words. Some of my friends told me that they understand me better through my writings and some even claim that I am an emotional freak so easy to please….God, they are right!! It all began when I was a kid, when I got my first diary and its all still there….all my memories of childhood, all these years as I grew up to be the person I am today….everything. Earlier I used to write for myself but now how I wish I can write for a better purpose. I keep striving but I know I have too many flaws and it only makes me feel smaller. May be I am just another girl with just another dream.

 I guess tonight is one of those many nights when I feel awfully worthless and the only way to seek solace is to look at the dark sky and feel the vast emptiness envelop me. 

And for you, my forgiven past, I write.

New beginnings

Five days into the New Year and here’s my first post of the year. So the Mayan fiasco has come to an end and we survived….what a huge relief!! As for me, my new year began in the best note with huge surprises and heart melting gestures, amidst giggling friends fighting the brutal cold…..and I know…I just can feel that this year is gonna be great and to tell you that hopefully this may be the last year that I will be a “student” as I intend to submit my PhD thesis and bid goodbye to student life….this is huge!!

Nonetheless, I can’t help but pay tribute to the 23 year old who was gang raped. My heart reaches out for her. She must be unaware of the events of the day when she stepped off from home on that fateful day…that her world will come to a crashing end by the brutality of some men whom the entire nation condemn...just another girl whose death shook the entire nation but the repercussions are yet to be seen.

I wonder how many rape victims got justice coz it’s just that when finally all the hues and cries of the masses have dwindled down and everyone get busy with their lives, the victim will still be haunted with the ghosts of the past and will be left struggling for a lifetime....It is like a social disease and it’s a shame that the Delhi case seems to have triggered many such incidents all over the country as we find media reports of such horrific incidents everyday adorning the pages of the dailies. What else do we say? We need to change the mentality of the society first instead of playing blame games.

So my New Year wishes is that, let the spirit ignited by “Damini” “Nirbhaya” “Amanat” not go in vain. Let every women get the respect she deserves. May this New Year bring peace to my homeland and to every reader of my blog, may every day be a day worth celebrating.

Wishing you all a year filled with love, hope, peace, happiness and success. :)

Rest in Peace sister.

As I blow the candle......

A page from my diary:

I turned a year older a few days ago. And as much as I wanted to keep it discreet, I should say my birthday wishes are still pouring in now. I guess as I add more numbers in my age, I have outgrown that feeling of having birthday bashes; which is perhaps the reason why I didn’t feel the need to update in facebook and which many of my online friends complained later. I wanted it simple. As I blew the candle amidst the echoing laughter and giggles of my friends in my room, I felt happy and realized that I have certainly grown older but wiser for sure. It is a pleasure to bask in the attention even if it lasted just for a day. I know it will be completely different a year later, when I move out of hostel but for now its all about friends storming in my room at midnight and singing “Happy Birthday” with a chocolate cake in hand. I am sure going to miss this one. The bestest thing is the little surprises we get and for me it was a phone call which announced that I had a bouquet waiting for me from friends who cared enough to remember my love for flowers and I smiled all through the tears as I hugged my best friend and couldn’t thank her enough for making my day special. May be that was the emotional me or the stupid me but its okay to be stupid sometimes isn’t it? I don’t have to be perfect, not anymore.

All these years have taught me profound lessons on life, family, friendship and love and made me the person that I am today. I am sure not missing out the opportunity to thank the folks who walked out of my life….You guys paved way for better things to fall in, for making me realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel, for hurting me and making me a stronger person and above all for making me have faith in love yet again. So screw you coz I have better things in store for me.... It is indeed a blessing to be surrounded by people who love me for what I am, the way I am with all my imperfections and from whom you can learn a lot about life. Thank you for making my life more beautiful. I am just beginning to understand the purpose of everything and it only makes me appreciate life better.

Love you all!! Cheers!! XOXO :D

Food Water Love

I guess it must be an amazing feeling, fasting for the one you love. Intriguing it is, but it must be wonderful to realise that someone hasn’t taken a morsel of food nor sipped a drop of water because she is praying for your safety and prosperity. Even if it is cliché, sometimes all we need is faith rather than hard core scientific facts. I guess its the media hype and cheesy portrayal in movies which has boomed the popularity of “Karvachauth” among the youths – both married and unmarried. Its the most happening thing this season as newly married brides groom themselves up weeks ahead for this special day. And many of my single friends, who are feminists, still insist that unless their better half fast with them, why should they bother? They do have a point. May be finally when they meet that perfect guy, they will brush away such stands and join the many happy women who gladly stay hungry for the sake of their beloved. So, basically it is an occasion when married women pray for their husbands, unmarried girls secretly keep a fast for their boyfriends and singles happily fast for their prospective better halves and when the much anticipated moon appears in the horizon in the late evening, they break their fast by sipping water and eating the first morsel of food of the day which her beloved lovingly feeds. Isn't it just sweet?

All these while that I stayed in North India, this ritual has always captivated me. Isn’t it just cute to get all so hyped up and go out of the way for the one you love? Of course, I have friends who had many misadventures about the fast in the most amusing way. I have a friend whom I have known for 4 years. Every year she fasts for the prosperity of her love, but unfortunately it has been 3 different persons that she had fasted for, as it let from one failed relationship to another. Now, she has decided to wait for the worthy guy instead of blindly following the crowd.  Also, I had a friend who popped in a rasgulla coz she forgot that she was fasting. You should have seen the look on her face when she realised the blunder. She blurted out “I think I will go to hell. I just ruined my first Karva chauth I am such a disappointment. Please don’t tell Sameer about this”. I guess that will forever be our little secret.

A few years ago distance was such big concerns during such special days but nowadays all we need is a skype id or an email id for video calling. Interestingly, we do have bikes menacing near girl’s hostel and girls waiting in the terrace to have a glimpse of the one they love to complete the ritual and celebrate their love. Even if its way too overrated, it is a happy occasion when love is rekindled or perhaps another way to feel an even purer and mystical form of love. Its about sacrifice and patience and faith. It is a celebration of love and life.

Happy Karvachauth to all. Wish you lots of love and happiness. :):)

Wedding calls

*I must warn you this post is super cheesy!! :)

Well, one of my best friends called me up and told me that her wedding date is decided. I shrieked with excitement and lost count of the “Congratulations, so happy for you" and the kinds of it. I, so wanted to hug her and share the moment with her. With a deep breath, a sigh and of course, with promises to see each other on her wedding day we said goodbye. And what followed was a dreamy silence, my heart ever so mellow.

I have heard people say that “True love is like a ghost, many have heard about it but few have experienced it” and I guess I am among the ones who have heard of it or maybe, just maybe I am beginning to experience it (ahem)!! My friend, however are the lucky ones who have experienced it throughout her life. The few people who make me believe that true love does exist still, that you can love one person for your entire life, that high school sweetheart can become your life partner in real life, that love can still conquer distance, time and busy schedules. It is just so beautiful, so pure.

Every girl dreams of the perfect wedding since her childhood, ever since the times that we marry our dolls and give them away just coz they are married. It’s the truth. Every girl is worried if an untimely pimple will ruin our looks on our wedding day or if the dress will not match the make-up and every other significant detail we can think of. C’mon, its not every day that we get to be the bride!! Imagine all those people dressed up just for you, the music, the rituals, the decorations and everything else….just for you, for just a day of your life. How special is that!! Of course, we dream of the perfect wedding, the perfect place, the cards, the gifts, the guests, the food, the dress, the make –up and everything else perfect and we do realize that what is really important is the one for whom we are bounded for a lifetime, for him to understand how much all these means to us. I have never quite pictured myself there but I guess it will be overwhelming yet sad, knowing that there is this person who will stand by you for the rest of your life and bidding goodbye to a place whom you’ve called “home” throughout this years.

So with all these thoughts in mind, I wish the soon-to-be-wedded couple keep falling in love with each other over and over again while I begin my hunt for the perfect dress as I get to play the part of the bride’s friend.  <wink>

Sleep, where art thou??

Have you ever felt that sharp tinge in your eyes when you try to conceal your tears? Has it ever occurred to you that amidst the laughter and noisy chattering of your friends you suddenly feel an agonising pain in your heart and the next moment you find your friends asking you if you are all right and you nodded and just left the room?  Has it ever transpired that as you walk numbly carrying the burden of your books and the workload and the apprehension to meet datelines, you are absorbed in such deep thoughts that you didn’t realise  your best friend calling behind you half a metre away, then suddenly you realised that your eyes had been moist and its blurring your vision? 

You lay awake in the middle of the night hoping sleep to engulf you and you stare at the ceiling and the fan and hope, against all hopes, to drift away to peaceful sleep but you can feel the seconds turning into minutes and then to hour and you could hear the birds chattering and the hustle and bustle of early joggers. Then you realise that you had wasted yet another night and you are swept with the feeling of guilt for precious moments lost. 

In an attempt to forget our present it is common that we pretend as though everything is all right and we try our level best not to bring ourselves to this terrible realisation. But in the darkness of the nights, we are left with no choice and all our worries and exertions which we try to escape in broad daylight creeps slowly and mercilessly in our mind, making us feel worst than ever.  Your mind becomes the battleground for conflicting thoughts and even if your eyes become heavy and crave for sleep, you are helpless and you are swept with reminiscence of the good times shared and the love that once were. Its a scary feeling, tossing and turning in bed, every inch of your body screaming for sleep and yet you lay awake knowing that it is gonna be a long long night. 

*Written in some nights when I had trouble sleeping

Country road, take me home!!

Psychologists call it the “empty nest” stage and as painful as it is to confess, the empty nest stage has left its toll in my family as well. It is only natural for children to leave home for higher studies and to pursue a career and carve a niche for themselves and the parents are left alone in their homes reminiscing the times when their home were filled with regular chatter of children. Now their helplessness are magnified as they have no choice but to nurture fervent hopes that their children will soon come home and their heartache will soon be over, but for many unfortunate parents they have a higher price to pay as their children are never coming back home and that their “nest” will forever remain “empty”.

In a similar stance is my parents, they seem to be growing old fast. Staying away a thousand miles away from home doesn’t seem so hard now but it gets rough when I empathize my parent’s loneliness. Sometimes, I want to break free of everything and hide myself in the safe haven of my Maammy’s bosom or tuck myself safely in the protective arms of my Dad. “Its only a matter of time”, I say to myself but I know being a girl, I have other obligations as well. Life sure is too complicated now. Childhood memories beckons me to trace my steps back home but I guess I’ve walked too far away where there is no turning back or maybe it is just that my priorities are different now. It was so easy back then. Those days of sweet childhood when my Daddy used to keep me still in his lap so that he can trim my nails, that day when I was sick but had to go to school and Daddy came to school to give my daily dose of medicine, the day I feasted after school coz Maammy had a day off and she had kept dinner ready just to make up for all those days when I came home from school only to wait for her to return home from work with moist eyes!! I am sure many of my age mates are facing the same predicament. Every time I call home Maammy shares her dreams of having us kids settled in her vicinity, where she can see and meet every time she wants coz she knows that “distance” will be an issue as she gets old, and each time, it breaks my heart to realize that her dreams may remain futile, that somewhere down the line, either one of us have to compromise.

As much as parents of today are worried that their wards will never return home or that they will bear loneliness during their old age; the children are sandwiched between their responsibilities towards their parents and their own priorities of having a fulfilling career and pursuing their dreams. Each way it is not easy. Generation gap, consequences of globalization or personal call, whatever we say but its worth pondering where WE are heading to!! Its indeed a tough road ahead. 

*Dedicated to all those staying away from home